Aug. 14th, 2025 07:05 am
what's next
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k2daisyCarrying over a conversation from denynothing1's comments...
Eight months after my parents died, the very hard things keeping me busy and stressed have been completed. The house is cleaned out, sold, and the money is distributed. The probate has ended, the estate is closed, and the money is distributed. I came home after 4 months of living alone in Florida. I resigned as Chairman of the Board for the non-profit I volunteer for. I declined returning to weekly work as a cashier at the antique mall. The memorial occurred, as did the water burial. I ceased needing to have frequent contact with my horrible sister. Both planned summer trips -- one to Wisconsin for reselling, one to Michigan for fun -- are over. I finished the major overhauls of my booths. I unpacked nearly everything from Florida, and set up my new office. I graduated from grief therapy.
There are still small tasks to do for the estate, but most will be next year at tax time. But otherwise it's done.
So I am finally able to really think about what is next.
I don't know what that will be. I know it won't be anything like what it was 10 months ago before this all began. I have no interest in filling up my calendar on a permanent basis with obligations: no weekly cashier shifts, no 3-6 meetings a month as Chair. I am happy to sub for others when they need to be off, in fact I am already signed up for 2 shifts each month through October to do just that. That's enough for me.
We have a lot of home improvement projects to work on now that we have the funds for them, but tbh I am kind of dreading starting them. They are all major work -- new roof, new HVAC, new front door, new windows -- and each will be a steep learning curve and a huge time suck for me. The thought of them makes me a little weepy too; my parents loved, loved, loved home improvement, and would have so much advice and support for me, if only I could call them about it. But I can't.
I said to DE that one thing my parents taught me was having consistent daily tasks was how they found "purpose" in their lives post-retirement. It gave them structure and autonomy and confidence and pleasure. They read the paper every morning, made the bed, did a small load of laundry, went for a swim in the afternoons. They cleaned up after themselves immediately, not letting things pile up. In the mornings they decided what to have for dinner, and then took out what was needed to defrost. They didn't make excuses in order to go lie down; they relished their naps, and appreciated the moments of down time. They also included at least one bigger task every day: a grocery run, a doctor appointment, lunch with girlfriends, a cleaning lady visit. When they were more active, they would do more of those, but as they got older and sicker, they learned to keep it to just one big task because more than that would wipe them out.
I can definitely do more than one "big" task a day, and so I try to knock off at least 3-5 from my Notes list each day. But that feels like it did when I was working; it's just a running to-do list that I clean up at the end of every day, and I look at first thing every day. It's starting to stress me out. I think I need to find a happy medium. I want to set up consistent daily tasks like my parents did. Tackle a little of the house every day, instead of putting it all off and then doing it all for hours and days at once. Same with my reselling paperwork.
Here's a dumb example of letting things pile up and then getting stuck in the work: I had to make some appointments for the HVAC guy, the financial planner, the vet for Molly, and a mani-pedi. Instead of staggering them, I contacted all of them yesterday and everyone was available, so now they are all crammed into the next two days. Why didn't I stagger contacting them??? I have the time! Ugh.
I need structure for the small things so I have the mental and emotional space for the larger ones. To be able to do the small stuff on auto-pilot, I guess. Which seems like an easy enough thing; I think the hiccup in my brain is that the small stuff is different than it used to be. I don't need to make lunch to take to work, or make sure the car is gassed, or even wash my hair every day. I don't have to cram the house stuff into evenings or weekends, as one big project to do all at once.
Today, like yesterday, instead of playing games on my phone on the couch until I got going for the day, I made myself come into the office to write a DW post on my laptop at my desk. I liked it; think I might add it into my new daily structure. The dogs like it too; they are both stretched out on the rug behind me. Maybe I can use this time to do 20 minutes of reselling inventory data entry too, instead of letting it pile up to tax time and having to type non-stop for 2 straight weeks. Hmmm.
Anyway, I don't know what's next. But I am going to work on it.
denynothing1's comments...Eight months after my parents died, the very hard things keeping me busy and stressed have been completed. The house is cleaned out, sold, and the money is distributed. The probate has ended, the estate is closed, and the money is distributed. I came home after 4 months of living alone in Florida. I resigned as Chairman of the Board for the non-profit I volunteer for. I declined returning to weekly work as a cashier at the antique mall. The memorial occurred, as did the water burial. I ceased needing to have frequent contact with my horrible sister. Both planned summer trips -- one to Wisconsin for reselling, one to Michigan for fun -- are over. I finished the major overhauls of my booths. I unpacked nearly everything from Florida, and set up my new office. I graduated from grief therapy.
There are still small tasks to do for the estate, but most will be next year at tax time. But otherwise it's done.
So I am finally able to really think about what is next.
I don't know what that will be. I know it won't be anything like what it was 10 months ago before this all began. I have no interest in filling up my calendar on a permanent basis with obligations: no weekly cashier shifts, no 3-6 meetings a month as Chair. I am happy to sub for others when they need to be off, in fact I am already signed up for 2 shifts each month through October to do just that. That's enough for me.
We have a lot of home improvement projects to work on now that we have the funds for them, but tbh I am kind of dreading starting them. They are all major work -- new roof, new HVAC, new front door, new windows -- and each will be a steep learning curve and a huge time suck for me. The thought of them makes me a little weepy too; my parents loved, loved, loved home improvement, and would have so much advice and support for me, if only I could call them about it. But I can't.
I said to DE that one thing my parents taught me was having consistent daily tasks was how they found "purpose" in their lives post-retirement. It gave them structure and autonomy and confidence and pleasure. They read the paper every morning, made the bed, did a small load of laundry, went for a swim in the afternoons. They cleaned up after themselves immediately, not letting things pile up. In the mornings they decided what to have for dinner, and then took out what was needed to defrost. They didn't make excuses in order to go lie down; they relished their naps, and appreciated the moments of down time. They also included at least one bigger task every day: a grocery run, a doctor appointment, lunch with girlfriends, a cleaning lady visit. When they were more active, they would do more of those, but as they got older and sicker, they learned to keep it to just one big task because more than that would wipe them out.
I can definitely do more than one "big" task a day, and so I try to knock off at least 3-5 from my Notes list each day. But that feels like it did when I was working; it's just a running to-do list that I clean up at the end of every day, and I look at first thing every day. It's starting to stress me out. I think I need to find a happy medium. I want to set up consistent daily tasks like my parents did. Tackle a little of the house every day, instead of putting it all off and then doing it all for hours and days at once. Same with my reselling paperwork.
Here's a dumb example of letting things pile up and then getting stuck in the work: I had to make some appointments for the HVAC guy, the financial planner, the vet for Molly, and a mani-pedi. Instead of staggering them, I contacted all of them yesterday and everyone was available, so now they are all crammed into the next two days. Why didn't I stagger contacting them??? I have the time! Ugh.
I need structure for the small things so I have the mental and emotional space for the larger ones. To be able to do the small stuff on auto-pilot, I guess. Which seems like an easy enough thing; I think the hiccup in my brain is that the small stuff is different than it used to be. I don't need to make lunch to take to work, or make sure the car is gassed, or even wash my hair every day. I don't have to cram the house stuff into evenings or weekends, as one big project to do all at once.
Today, like yesterday, instead of playing games on my phone on the couch until I got going for the day, I made myself come into the office to write a DW post on my laptop at my desk. I liked it; think I might add it into my new daily structure. The dogs like it too; they are both stretched out on the rug behind me. Maybe I can use this time to do 20 minutes of reselling inventory data entry too, instead of letting it pile up to tax time and having to type non-stop for 2 straight weeks. Hmmm.
Anyway, I don't know what's next. But I am going to work on it.
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